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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27437374">until i lose my breath</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyanFairytale/pseuds/GallifreyanFairytale'>GallifreyanFairytale</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Ficlet, Flash Fiction, Lesbian Mai (Avatar), Mai (Avatar)-Centric, Minor Mai/Zuko, POV Second Person, Stream of Consciousness, Written for a Class</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:42:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>536</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27437374</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyanFairytale/pseuds/GallifreyanFairytale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>you learn quickly that emotions are not meant to be shown. you learn to twist your every thought into a bored frown of indifference. your apathy becomes your safety blanket.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>a study on mai, told in six parts</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mai/Ty Lee (Avatar)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>until i lose my breath</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i wasn't sure if i was going to actually post this or not BUT i was in the middle of creating the draft when i found out biden won so now i HAVE to post it to commemorate the moment</p>
<p>title from 'i wanna be your girlfriend' by girl in red</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <b>i.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>You learn quickly that emotions are not meant to be shown. You learn to twist your every thought into a bored frown of indifference. Your apathy becomes your safety blanket, protecting you from being called hysterical (or something far worse). You watch life pass by like a slow-moving train, groggily trudging through a small nowhere town where all three thousand people groan in their heads as soon as they hear the whistle. You watch your friends as they’re called out for being too loud and too happy and too sad and too angry and too <em> whatever</em>, but you are immune to the reprimands because you have not let another living soul see how you feel in years.</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>ii.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Your life is uprooted once, twice, three times, and all you can do is wonder aloud if anything exciting will happen with each change. But nothing excites you; you hardly remember what it was like to be excited. Maybe once you smiled at birthday cakes and hugs and shooting stars, but those days were so long ago they don’t feel real. You stare at the stars, twinkling a million light years away, and you can’t handle it so you turn to the grass. You pluck blades from the ground one by one, and it’s almost like you believe you could make a difference in the world. </p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>iii.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>You swipe red paint across your eyelids and when you stare in the mirror, the girl staring back at you might as well be wearing blood on her face. She’s like a rogue spirit carrying twin swords, unsure if she wants to do good or evil tonight, unsure if her choice would even make a difference. You stare into the mirror until you realize that the girl inside of it has to be you or some twisted version of yourself who paints her face and pretends to be someone she is not. The bathroom door swings open and the girl who enters behind you has so much to say, but all you can do is wonder whose blood is on your face.</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>iv.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>You kiss a boy as the sun sets and it tastes like ash. Everything is burnt and unsalvageable. When he runs away from you in the middle of the night, you don’t know whether to be sad or grateful.</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>v.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>You’re not sure if it’s been two days or two years, but there comes a morning when the sun rises and the entire world shifts to the left. You emerge into the world as a new person, as someone who might understand who she is. You walk with a certainty in your step and when you wish all the best to the boy who abandoned you, you find that you genuinely mean it. You gaze at the stars and you allow yourself to think <em> They are beautiful</em>. You look around at the new world you have the privilege to live in and you smile.</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>vi.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>You kiss a girl under the moonlight and it tastes like magic. When you break apart, breathless, reminding yourself there is nothing to fear now, she brushes her fingers against your cheek.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You look happy,” she tells you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I am,” you say.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>okay i KNOW there were no trains in the avatar universe (at least when Mai was little; i haven't watched tlok yet) BUT i needed to include like four similes and i was too proud of that one to take it out so we can just pretend</p>
<p>anyway you can find me on <a href="https://zukkaclawthorne.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/H0LL0WKAIDAM">twitter</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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